The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Are my feet made of real feet?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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