my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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