It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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