i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
