I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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