i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Cover your peen. We're going out.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
