The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
