I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
