You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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