Swine flu. Run for my life!
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
