There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
