Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
