I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
