I just threw up on my dentist
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
