Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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