My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
