just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
