Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Shame is for Republicans.
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