a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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