dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
