Cold hands, warm shart.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
