watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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