so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
