I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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