sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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