The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
