My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
