we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
