I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
