My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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