eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
