Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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