I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
