Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
