He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
