Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
