I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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