i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
