goodnight i made you a song goodbye
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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