Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
