1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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