I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Text me some of your sweat
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
