I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
