We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
