my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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