i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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