Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
