Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
