They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
