I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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