So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
